Article Divorced Parents : When The Other Parent Undermines You

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There are plenty of divorced couples and blended families out in the world. This type of situation can be difficult for the children and the adults involved. The challenge is worse when one parent undermines the other. The issues are due to the difference in rules and parenting styles.

My eldest friend, Jason, divorced his wife after 20 years together. When they split, they got joint custody of their 14 years old daughter. He described the situation as hell because his daughter would misbehave, and his ex would tell his daughter to ignore him. On top of that, his ex would pick the girl up if she got in trouble with her dad. His ex had no respect for his rules.

I have some advice for you to make these types of situations more manageable. I hope you brought your pen and notepad.

Avoid Playing Tug Of War

Kids are very attentive when it comes to monitoring their parents. If your child knows they can get a rise out of you (as previously stated), they will push your buttons. They can then bait you into an argument that will lead to a struggle for power in the situation. When there is a power struggle, the child has received a clear message: You both have the same authority.

Just because a child wants to start arguing doesn't mean you have to participate. They want you to yell, argue back, and justify yourself to them. Keep calm, be firm in your stance, and let your word be the final.

Your child doesn't have to like the rules, but they do have to follow them. When you stop defending the rules that you put in place, you maintain control over the situation, and you can place more focus on enforcing those rules.

Time and Consequences

Notice my use of the word consequences, which is not the same same as punishments. Most parents might take away everything from their children when they misbehave, but this is ineffective because the children don't learn anything. The child will learn to live without what you took, as well. Instead, have them earn extra privileges. This method can instill a better attitude and maintain your authority.

As far as consequences go, focus on one rule/behavior at a time. Begin with basic house rules, such as no swear words and a curfew the child has to follow. Once you see your child is complying, try to tackle the more complicated rules.

E.g., When your child comes in from school, set a timeframe in which they must have their homework complete. If they meet your deadline, give them a privilege such as allowing them to stay up 30 mins past their bedtime. If they don't meet your time hack, they don't get the extra time for that day.


Remember Who's House It Is

Even when parents aren't at odds, there can be tensions. Teamwork can be difficult if there are unresolved issues in a relationship. You can only control what happens in your house, and you have to accept that. It's difficult when both parents' opinions differ when it comes to rules. Stay focused on your household to avoid conflicts with your ex.

If you disagree with your ex, don't fight about it in front of your child. That is an opportunity for them to pit you two against each other and takes the focus off their behavior. Even if your ex is acting out, this is your chance to exhibit how to handle disagreements respectfully. That also shows the child they can't get the reaction they want when they try to argue with you.

Another thing that might help ease tensions between you and your ex is letting your child know that the other parent's rules are their rules. Let your child know that you are not going to try to dictate how the other parent runs their household. By doing this, you might gain the same respect from the other parent.

Final Thoughts

I know I talked mostly about dealing with the child, and that is because that is the only person you have control over. You can't make your ex do anything or act a certain way, especially not in their own home. Your first and only priority is to maintain control and discipline in your household. I know divorces are hard when you are fighting with your ex, so try to be more cooperative and kind as possible to lessen the tensions.